Do As We Say, Not As We Do or Dirrty Sexxx Conservative Style

I'm sorry, there must be a mix up. You want me to fix up lyrics while the President gets his dick sucked? - Eminem A brief disclaimer: I'm about to do a bit of generalising here, so bear with me. I understand the limitations of labels and stereotyping, but we all do it every day because, realistically, none of us would get very much done if we didn't. Obviously this isn't the first time I've made generalisations here, but I like to bring this up from time to time, even though this is one of those things that probably should go without saying. But I've said it anyway, so off we go. There is a noticeable stand amongst conservatives against sexuality and the human body. The workings of this arrangement are complex, but a big part of it seems to boil down to what are often called traditional values. That means, among other things, that divorce is bad, sex before marriage is bad, anal sex is bad, homosexuality is bad and anything kinkier than the female being on top is bad. The more conservative you get, the tighter the boundaries are. My wife, for example, has a friend whose parents didn't even know what oral sex was until a famous legal trial a few years ago (and they're Democrats--see what I mean about generalising?). We see the results of this every day. Whether it be the outcry over Janet Jackson's exposed nipple, the battle to prevent homosexuals from marrying each other, or a Kansas child-abuse reporting statute that technically makes it illegal for a 17-year old to make out with a 16-year old, those to the Right want to put heavy restrictions on most anything that has anything to do with carnal relations (a tremendous irony given that conservatives are supposed to be against big government). The problem is that, for all this preaching, there isn't nearly as much practicing going on. Case in point? A few years ago there was a sex scandal that you might recall a little something about. Details are sketchy, given that the media refused to go near something so tabloid and sensational, but, suffice it to say, the hoopla involved a sitting U.S. President, an intern, cigars, oral sex and a stained dress. Many were outraged that this sort of behaviour could come from, of all people, a President. An witch hunt investigation ensued. Ultimately this President went on to obstruct justice and commit perjury (why do those charges sound so familiar right now?), much to the glee of many on the Right side of the political spectrum. All this would eventually prove to be rather interesting, as Congressmen Newt Gingrich, Bob Livingston and Bob Barr, three of the Republicans who were calling for the President's head, were ultimately found guilty of adultery as well. This is an all too common occurrence for the Right. We'll set aside Kitty Kelley's allegations about the elder George Bush, the intriguing rumors that James Dobson's son Ryan's recent marriage was his second, and even the not so distant allegations of Bill O' Reilly's sexual harassment. Instead we'll go with something a little more concrete. I'm speaking of the excerpts recently published by The New Yorker of Scooter Libby's 1996 novel The Apprentice. Libby's novel features depictions of pedophilia, incest and bestiality usually reserved for John Irving novels. Now don't get me wrong. There's plenty of the awkwardly conventional: He could feel her heart beneath his hands. He moved his hands slowly lower still and she arched her back to help him and her lower leg came against his. He held her breasts in his hands. Oddly, he thought, the lower one might be larger. . . . One of her breasts now hung loosely in his hand near his face and he knew not how best to touch her. But not to worry, bestiality fans. There's something for you, too: At age ten the madam put the child in a cage with a bear trained to couple with young girls so the girls would be frigid and not fall in love with their patrons. They fed her through the bars and aroused the bear with a stick when it seemed to lose interest. And: He asked if they should fuck the deer. The answer, as The New Yorker answers, is yes. Of course, Libby is hardly the only conservative to write sexy novel. There's also Sisters, a little known work by Lynne Cheney. Mind you, Cheney's novel isn't nearly as racy as Libby's. But, according to information archivist Russ Kick's The Disinformation Book of Lists, there is sex, rape, lesbianism, with some animal cruelty, feminist thought and anti-corporate messages thrown in for good measure. But that's OK. If you want to write about sex, write about sex. There's plenty of it in the Bible, after all. However, if you're going to claim the moral high ground, you ought to at least make sure you've got it. Given this list of Republicans allegedly caught with their pants down (mostly among children mind you), though, I think that's up for debate: • Republican County Constable Larry Dale Floyd was arrested on suspicion of soliciting sex with an 8-year old girl. • Republican judge Mark Pazuhanich pleaded no contest to fondling a 10-year old girl and was sentenced to 10 years probation. • Republican Party leader Bobby Stumbo was arrested for having sex with a 5-year old boy. • Republican Mayor Philip Giordano is serving a 37-year sentence in federal prison for sexually abusing 8- and 10-year old girls. • Republican Mayor John Gosek was arrested on charges of soliciting sex from two 15-year old girls. • Republican County Commissioner David Swartz pleaded guilty to molesting two girls under the age of 11 and was sentenced to 8 years in prison. • Republican legislator Edison Misla Aldarondo was sentenced to 10 years in prison for raping his daughter between the ages of 9 and 17. • Republican anti-abortion activist Howard Scott Heldreth (the guy who tried to take Terry Schiavo a glass of water) is a convicted child rapist in Florida. • Republican zoning supervisor, Boy Scout leader and Lutheran church president Dennis L. Rader pleaded guilty to performing a sexual act on an 11-year old girl he murdered. • Republican anti-abortion activist Nicholas Morency pleaded guilty to possessing child pornography on his computer and offering a bounty to anybody who murders an abortion doctor. • Republican United States Senator Strom Thurmond had sex with a 16-year old black girl which produced a child. • Republican pastor Mike Hintz, whom George W. Bush commended during the 2004 presidential campaign, surrendered to police after admitting to a sexual affair with a female juvenile. • Republican legislator Peter Dibble pleaded no contest to having an inappropriate relationship with a 13-year-old girl. • Republican advertising consultant Carey Lee Cramer was charged with molesting his 9-year old step-daughter after including her in an anti-Gore television commercial. • Republican lobbyist Craig J. Spence organized child sex parties at the White House during the 1980s. • Republican fundraiser Richard A. Delgaudio was found guilty of child porn charges and paying two teenage girls to pose for sexual photos. • Republican activist Mark A. Grethen convicted on six counts of sex crimes involving children. • Republican activist Randal David Ankeney pleaded guilty to attempted sexual assault on a child. • Republican Congressman Dan Crane had sex with a female minor working as a congressional page. • Republican activist and Christian Coalition leader Beverly Russell admitted to an incestuous relationship with his step daughter. • Republican Judge Ronald C. Kline was placed under house arrest for child molestation and possession of child pornography. • Republican congressman and anti-gay activist Robert Bauman was charged with having sex with a 16-year-old boy he picked up at a gay bar. • Republican Committee Chairman Jeffrey Patti was arrested for distributing a video clip of a 5-year-old girl being raped. Keep in mind, I'm not suggesting that liberals or Democrats are any better at keeping their genitals to themselves. I'm sure anyone with a few minutes can find a similar list of leftists. Democratic Congressman Gerry Studds, for instance, like Congressman Dan Crane, was found guilty by the House Ethics Committee of having sex with a female minor while working as a congressional page. This isn't about Democrats and liberals being innocent of sexual crimes. What this is about is the foolish idea that the Left is somehow ruining the family and that the Right is somehow the champion of moral values. If this list is anything to go by, it appears that many on the Right value something else entirely.