Funniest Damn Book Of The Year
Coming 14 March, from the people who brought you Lark News, is A Field Guide to Evangelicals and Their Habitat. The manual features such helpful chapters as:
• What Evangelicals Believe - Plus a Master List of Who Is Going to Hell
• How to Party Like an Evangelical - Ambrosia, Li'l Smokies, and Potluck Fever
• The Diversity of Evangelical Politics - From Right-Wing to Wacko
• How to Talk and Act Like an Evangelical Without Being One
• Evangelical Mating Habits - The Shocking Truth
• Identifying Evangelicals in the Field
• Sighting Evangelicals Overseas
• Planning Your Field Trip to an Evangelical Church
• Decorating Like an Evangelical
In the meantime, read an excerpt here.
Or take the quiz:
1. In the last election you:
a. Made MoveOn.org your homepage.
b. Listened carefully to both candidates’ positions.
c. Tithed to the Bush campaign.
2. Your children attend school:
a. at the local public school.
b. at a private school.
c. in your living room.
3. You think “backslide” is:
a. A country dance step.
b. A type of alcoholic drink.
c. A sinful state of non-belief.
4. If someone says “See you here, there or in the air,” you know they mean:
a. “I’d like to see you hanged.”
b. “Let’s get together on our next business trip.”
c. “See you at church, in heaven or at the Rapture.”
5. Your car bumper sticker reads
a. Pro-Child, Pro-Choice
b. My child is an honor student
c. My boss is a Jewish carpenter
6. The last time you raised your hands was:
a. During an encounter with the law.
b. On a roller coaster.
c . During praise and worship.
7. Prominently displayed in your living room is:
a. Your vacation shot glass collection.
b. An expensive piece of modern sculpture.
c. A Thomas Kinkade painting the size of a child’s swimming pool.
8. The last time you read the Bible was:
a. At your aunt’s memorial service.
b. When you were bored in a hotel room.
c . Five minutes ago.
9. You hope heaven is like:
a. The Summer of ’69.
b. A non-stop rave.
c. A gated, Republican community.
10. Before each meal you:
a. Have a stiff drink.
b. Say grace.
c. Give an altar call for your family.
11. The last time you were in a bar, it was to:
a. Pay your tab.
b. See the guys.
c. Hang posters for an evangelistic crusade.
12. You greet your friends by saying:
a. “Where’s the money you owe me?”
b. “How’s it hanging?”
c. “Blessings, brother.”
13. When another driver cuts you off in traffic, you:
a. Give him the finger.
b. Take down his license plate number.
c. Pray for his salvation.
14. On your last vacation you:
a. Got drunk in Cancun.
b. Gambled in Vegas.
c. Built a church in Ecuador.
15. You think Wal-Mart is:
a. A greedy corporation.
b. A downscale place for cheap goods.
c. An extension of your local mega-church.
Congratulations on finishing the EQ test! Award yourself
0 points for every “a” answer,
5 points for every “b” answer
10 points for every “c” answer.
125-150 points Very evangelical.
75-124 Somewhat evangelical.
(h/t: Looking Closer)