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18 January 2006

Funniest Damn Book Of The Year














Coming 14 March, from the people who brought you Lark News, is A Field Guide to Evangelicals and Their Habitat. The manual features such helpful chapters as:

• What Evangelicals Believe - Plus a Master List of Who Is Going to Hell

• How to Party Like an Evangelical - Ambrosia, Li'l Smokies, and Potluck Fever

• The Diversity of Evangelical Politics - From Right-Wing to Wacko

• How to Talk and Act Like an Evangelical Without Being One

• Evangelical Mating Habits - The Shocking Truth

• Identifying Evangelicals in the Field

• Sighting Evangelicals Overseas

• Planning Your Field Trip to an Evangelical Church

• Decorating Like an Evangelical

In the meantime, read an excerpt here.

Or take the quiz:

1. In the last election you:
a. Made MoveOn.org your homepage.
b. Listened carefully to both candidates’ positions.
c. Tithed to the Bush campaign.

2. Your children attend school:
a. at the local public school.
b. at a private school.
c. in your living room.

3. You think “backslide” is:
a. A country dance step.
b. A type of alcoholic drink.
c. A sinful state of non-belief.

4. If someone says “See you here, there or in the air,” you know they mean:
a. “I’d like to see you hanged.”
b. “Let’s get together on our next business trip.”
c. “See you at church, in heaven or at the Rapture.”

5. Your car bumper sticker reads
a. Pro-Child, Pro-Choice
b. My child is an honor student
c. My boss is a Jewish carpenter

6. The last time you raised your hands was:
a. During an encounter with the law.
b. On a roller coaster.
c . During praise and worship.

7. Prominently displayed in your living room is:
a. Your vacation shot glass collection.
b. An expensive piece of modern sculpture.
c. A Thomas Kinkade painting the size of a child’s swimming pool.

8. The last time you read the Bible was:
a. At your aunt’s memorial service.
b. When you were bored in a hotel room.
c . Five minutes ago.

9. You hope heaven is like:
a. The Summer of ’69.
b. A non-stop rave.
c. A gated, Republican community.

10. Before each meal you:
a. Have a stiff drink.
b. Say grace.
c. Give an altar call for your family.

11. The last time you were in a bar, it was to:
a. Pay your tab.
b. See the guys.
c. Hang posters for an evangelistic crusade.

12. You greet your friends by saying:
a. “Where’s the money you owe me?”
b. “How’s it hanging?”
c. “Blessings, brother.”

13. When another driver cuts you off in traffic, you:
a. Give him the finger.
b. Take down his license plate number.
c. Pray for his salvation.

14. On your last vacation you:
a. Got drunk in Cancun.
b. Gambled in Vegas.
c. Built a church in Ecuador.

15. You think Wal-Mart is:
a. A greedy corporation.
b. A downscale place for cheap goods.
c. An extension of your local mega-church.

Congratulations on finishing the EQ test! Award yourself
0 points for every “a” answer,
5 points for every “b” answer
10 points for every “c” answer.

125-150 points Very evangelical.
75-124 Somewhat evangelical.
25-74 Backslidden.
0-24 Unsaved.

(h/t: Looking Closer)

Comments on "Funniest Damn Book Of The Year"

 

Blogger jasdye said ... (1/18/2006 09:30:00 PM) : 

i think i'm too urban to rank as a big-time evangelical.

and now, i pray for mr. jerky's soul - in a multicultural way, of course.

 

Blogger Marcguyver said ... (1/19/2006 01:03:00 AM) : 

Well, there weren't enough options on the quiz, so I only scored a 65. Guess I'm not as wacked as I should be?

I wonder how they're going to market the book?
Probably on Saturday Night Live

 

Blogger Wasp Jerky said ... (1/19/2006 04:29:00 PM) : 

Marcguyver,

Apply yourself a little harder and you too can be unsaved. ;)

I dunno about the marketing. The "what people are saying about..." section of the site lists positive quotes from the Washington Post, Dallas Morning News, Christianity Today and some other folks, so at the very least review copies have already gone out.

 

Blogger Nicole said ... (1/20/2006 05:10:00 PM) : 

I'm blackslidden. Wahoo!

 

Blogger MEP said ... (1/22/2006 04:22:00 PM) : 

I want different answers to some of these questions:
1)tore my hair out and cursed my options
2)no children - just puppies
3)when you say you're "Done" with an ex but you hook up again for a night or two (whoops!)
4)I've NEVER heard that
6)during orgasm (oh god! - hehe, i'm clearly going to hell)
11) What else - DRINK and dance
13)yell curse words in your car
14)made the neighboring hotel rooms uncomfortable

I might be worse than unsaved on this quiz.

 

Blogger Wasp Jerky said ... (1/22/2006 07:52:00 PM) : 

Women can have orgasms? I'll bet you think the earth is round too.

 

Blogger Marcguyver said ... (1/22/2006 10:26:00 PM) : 

Oh....I see now. This book and the site are just a spoof!

Still funny though.

 

Blogger MEP said ... (1/23/2006 01:10:00 PM) : 

Haha, that was a good one WJ.

 

Blogger ninjanun said ... (1/24/2006 05:11:00 PM) : 

I'm backslidden. Obviously, I'm not applying myself enough. :p

 

Blogger myste said ... (2/10/2006 11:51:00 PM) : 

wow thanks for that! every word in the entire first chapter applies to my aunt and uncle.

except on the test, they wouldnt even set food in a bar to hang harvest crusade posters, people in bars arent even worth saving

 

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