Things I Learned From Family At Thanksgiving

1) Anyone born in the United States can become whatever they want to be if they work hard enough. Race, skin colour, class, lack of a familial support system, excess body fat and the absence of a penis cannot hold back someone who is truly determined. 2) Caucasians should be allowed to say the word “nigger” because African Americans do. 3) Arizona is to be admired because they do not observe Martin Luther King, Jr.’s birthday as a holiday. 4) When African Americans get together, they plot against the whites. 5) God blesses nations that bless Israel and curses nations that curse Israel. That is why the United States is so blessed. That Europe, Canada, Australia, Japan, China, India, United Arab Emirates, Saudi Arabia, Brazil, South Korea, Taiwan, Turkey, Iran and Mexico are also very wealthy only proves that God has a strange sense of humour. 6) One of the pillars of Islam is death to Israel and America. All Muslims believe this. This remains true despite the tremendous amount of diversity found within Christianity, whose adherents have been known to dissolve fellowship with one another over issues as seemingly insignificant as whether musical instruments can be played during worship. That the world’s one billion Muslims have not already destroyed Israel and all Christians only means that they’re up to something very sneaky. 7) Jesus, who never killed anyone, and routinely taught such things as turn the other cheek and love thy neighbor as thyself, was not a pacifist. 8) Because it is the church’s job alone to care for the poor, the United States government should have no programmes that support the impoverished or the common good. That God required the nation of Israel to give 10 percent of its income every three years for caring for the poor is irrelevant. 9) All Christians at all times in all countries have always believed the view of biblical eschatology currently held by Christians in the United States. This despite the fact that said view is only approximately 150 years old.