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29 November 2006

Things I Learned From Family At Thanksgiving

1) Anyone born in the United States can become whatever they want to be if they work hard enough. Race, skin colour, class, lack of a familial support system, excess body fat and the absence of a penis cannot hold back someone who is truly determined.

2) Caucasians should be allowed to say the word “nigger” because African Americans do.

3) Arizona is to be admired because they do not observe Martin Luther King, Jr.’s birthday as a holiday.

4) When African Americans get together, they plot against the whites.

5) God blesses nations that bless Israel and curses nations that curse Israel. That is why the United States is so blessed. That Europe, Canada, Australia, Japan, China, India, United Arab Emirates, Saudi Arabia, Brazil, South Korea, Taiwan, Turkey, Iran and Mexico are also very wealthy only proves that God has a strange sense of humour.

6) One of the pillars of Islam is death to Israel and America. All Muslims believe this. This remains true despite the tremendous amount of diversity found within Christianity, whose adherents have been known to dissolve fellowship with one another over issues as seemingly insignificant as whether musical instruments can be played during worship. That the world’s one billion Muslims have not already destroyed Israel and all Christians only means that they’re up to something very sneaky.

7) Jesus, who never killed anyone, and routinely taught such things as turn the other cheek and love thy neighbor as thyself, was not a pacifist.

8) Because it is the church’s job alone to care for the poor, the United States government should have no programmes that support the impoverished or the common good. That God required the nation of Israel to give 10 percent of its income every three years for caring for the poor is irrelevant.

9) All Christians at all times in all countries have always believed the view of biblical eschatology currently held by Christians in the United States. This despite the fact that said view is only approximately 150 years old.

Comments on "Things I Learned From Family At Thanksgiving"


Blogger dufflehead said ... (11/30/2006 12:31:00 PM) : 

so true and so, so sad.

in a realated thought, you should read the discussion that was had about the story of Noah over at www.stupidchurchpeople.com


Blogger timmer k. said ... (11/30/2006 03:33:00 PM) : 

Isn't blogging great. Instead of taking the aggression out by beating a family member senseless, you can write about the experience--tongue in cheek--and repress, repress, repress.

Oh, and in case you're wondering--at least 6 of those things could describe usual topics discussed at my family gatherings.



Blogger jasdye said ... (11/30/2006 04:10:00 PM) : 

in the words of the prophet Chuck D in the magnum opus "By the Time I Get to Arizona":

"the population is none / in the dessert and the sun / with a dumb cracker running things under his thumb"

now, while i make apologies for no man's ignorance, i've seen this type of blatant racism run amok among blacks, whites, latinos, all across the board. it's absolutely terrifying how little people know about each other.

everybody's running a conspiracy about everybody else. please! that's where the idea of Kanye saying Gdub hates black people comes from. in all truth, hate is a strong word. i don't think that the president hates blacks. he just don't care.

same, unfortunately, with way too many christians - white, black and otherwise.


Blogger Wasp Jerky said ... (12/01/2006 08:53:00 AM) : 

In my family's defense, two of the three most horrendously indefensible positions (#2 and #4) were only vocalized by one person each, in what is a very large family. If only those two people weren't preachers. (And, trust me, there was very little repression this Thanksgiving).


Blogger jasdye said ... (12/01/2006 11:03:00 AM) : 

also in your family's defense, they're really not all that unusual.

it's just sad.

oh, are they black preachers?


Blogger Ryan Garou said ... (12/02/2006 06:09:00 PM) : 

damn, man.

hope the turkey wasn't dry at least.


Blogger Pfangirl said ... (12/04/2006 01:49:00 AM) : 

LOL, to build on jasdye's comment, your family isn't different from families the world over.

I'm always amazed how some people feel so comfortable about loudly voicing their prejudices, particularly at family gatherings.


Blogger Wasp Jerky said ... (12/05/2006 08:58:00 AM) : 


Nope, white preachers.


Most of the food was quite good, actually. :)


Anonymous dana said ... (12/05/2006 12:14:00 PM) : 

i've heard a few of those, too. ugh.


Blogger jonathan even-zohar said ... (12/09/2006 09:30:00 AM) : 

Love your sarcasm. And yes, everybody should be able to say nigga, albeit in rap-format.


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