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02 August 2007

Toy Story

Later this month, my arch-enemy Wal-mart will begin selling what the BBC refers to as faith-based toys. These scripture quoting action figures dolls hardly mark the first time Christians have dabbled in the action figure business, but this is the first I’ve been aware of such toys breaking into the mainstream. Or did Mel Gibson put out a line of Passion of the Christ action figures?

David Socha, founder of One2believe, the company which makes the dolls, is confident the demand is there for "God-honouring" toys which reflect Christian teachings and morality.

"We get a lot of people, even people who are not of faith, don't go to church, saying 'I've got a four and a six-year-old and I don't know what to get them any more'," he said.

"If you go in a toy aisle in any major retailer, you will see toys and dolls that promote and glorify evil, destruction, lying, cheating.

"In the girls' aisle where the dolls would be, you see dolls that are promoting promiscuity to very young girls. Dolls will have very revealing clothes on, G-string underwear."

What his company offers instead is "something faith-based that is not only fun to play with but also is solidifying a person's spiritual wherewithal and their spiritual journey", he said.
This is excellent news, of course. Now children corrupted by Spider-man and Bratz will have access to wholesome action figures like Noah (alcoholic), Moses (murderer), Sampson (terrorist and, as Slacktivist recently called him, inventor of the suicide bomb) and David (whose poems about throwing babies against rocks and washing his feet in the blood of slaughtered enemies may make him the world’s first gangster rapper). The action figures are a steal at $19.99 and $24.99, perfect for any Christian family on a budget. For my money, though, the collection seems sadly incomplete without nudist prophet Isaiah.

If you’re a girl, you might prefer one of the Proverbs 31 dolls. They’re $39.99 and will help “encourage young girls to pursue biblical womanhood.” As an added bonus, one of these Jewish dolls from the Middle East even has brown skin.

Sadly, there’s not a tent spike-wielding Yael or a sword-carrying Judith. I’m not sure how girls are going to properly learn biblical womanhood if they can’t dramatize killing men.

On another note, if you prefer a different sort of toys altogether (the segue possibilities here are so deliciously wonderful that you should feel free to invent your own), there’s a Christian couple in the UK that has set up their own online sex shoppe. The store, Wholly Love, is designed for married Christian couples who believe that sexy time is a gift from God. This is surely the only place on earth where you can purchase both Philip Yancey’s Disappointed with God and an amertrine glass dildo.

Comments on "Toy Story"


Blogger dufflehead said ... (8/02/2007 10:55:00 AM) : 

"'God-honouring' toys which reflect Christian teachings and morality.
like capitalism

and my money is them being made in china or mexico.


Blogger dufflehead said ... (8/02/2007 11:00:00 AM) : 

gahh! this stuff just sends me over the top.

i think maybe the minions of the evangelical subculture should just find a nice plot of land and start their own country.


Blogger Streak said ... (8/02/2007 11:42:00 AM) : 

holy crap


Blogger Natalie said ... (8/02/2007 08:20:00 PM) : 

Big sigh...

and the Proverbs 31 dolls come with cookie cutters and a cookie recipe.

My former boss and his feminist professor wife were unsure about letter their daughters play with Barbie, because of body image, etc. Then they relented, but bought them only lawyer, doctor, and other professional Barbies. Now this family is thoroughly evangelical, mind you. I wish THAT message, instead of some convoluted Proverbs 31 model, was sent to girls instead.


Blogger jasdye said ... (8/03/2007 09:07:00 AM) : 


now i know what holy toys to get my baby!

thank you, Wal-Mart, bastion of jesus-ness.

wait a minute... did the maker of these dolls just say in effect that these items can help teach young kids about positive living and spirituality? that's all the better. now i don't have to bring my girl to church nor live a holy life in front of her. she can have dolls that do that for me!


Blogger shelly said ... (8/03/2007 10:49:00 PM) : 

You forgot David was also an adulterer who may or may not have been bisexual (he and Jonathan were pretty tight, y'know ;)) and that Samson was a womanizer. The only (IMO) kickass Bible-based "action figure"? Esther (using one's feminine wiles to make a fella look like a complete ass).

Oh, and guess who's one of the ministry partners? Focus on the Family...aka Heterosexism R Us.

In other news, the Wholly Love site? I wonder if they sell whips and chains? ;)


Blogger Micah said ... (8/04/2007 10:23:00 PM) : 

Ha! They have the two packs nipple super sucker! I've been looking for that!

Some of my friends and I have been trying to think of a way to exploit this market. You know, like The Prayer of Jabez or the Left Behind stuff. The only idea we could think of that might actually work is a line of plush toys called "Baby Bible Characters." Then have all of the favorites anglocized and dressed in a distinguishing way. Like baby Joseph in a coat of many colors, or baby Moses with some little tablets of stone. You know the the fundies would eat that shit up! Then we could sit back and create our own little commune which is my ultimate dream.

Maybe that's what these guys are doing they just beat us to it...


Blogger dufflehead said ... (8/05/2007 05:32:00 PM) : 

on that note, i've always thought that a great gag gift would be a stoning kit.


Blogger jasdye said ... (8/05/2007 08:28:00 PM) : 


wal-mart is your no. 1 arch-enemy? what will lex luthor and the agents of MAD think, now that they've been shut out by a faceless corporation?


Blogger RC said ... (8/08/2007 10:34:00 AM) : 

i have seen pictures of these toys.

it's crazy to me (but not crazy that they made these toys...a lot of people seem to be trying to tap in on these dollars)

you gotta wonder how there selling...

and who's more popular? Moses? Samspon?

Which one of these people is most popular among the chosen demographic?


Blogger dufflehead said ... (8/14/2007 10:52:00 AM) : 

here's another one for you to discuss


and be sure to note the name of the arch enemy. that and the fact that the white people get to be "Bible" something and the dark skinned fellow gets an unrelated name. (why aren't there multiple biblemans of various races?)

i'll blog this over on http://www.gamebrainspew.blogspot.com



Blogger jasdye said ... (8/17/2007 11:55:00 PM) : 


although the game is a lame throwback to pre-sega genesis graphics and is archaic in other ways too (what is this, the 60's? a protester is the Bibleman's biggest enemy? who the heck listens to protesters?), one of the protagonists in this story is a black man.

he's called cypher, i suppose, because he knows and recites bible verses. and because he's black, that means he can rap.

aahh yea!


Blogger dufflehead said ... (8/19/2007 11:48:00 PM) : 

the definition of the word "cypher" leaves a lot of hanging questions to me (a throw back to the sbc(?) campaign in africa title "pushing back the darkness" with a picture of a couple of africans)

and does this mean that bibleman doesn't know bible verses? that would be funny.


Blogger Geosomin said ... (8/20/2007 10:18:00 AM) : 

This reminds me of the "uplifting" teas you could buy that were cheap orange pekoe tea with an "uplifting verse" on each bag...why?
Gah. How's about a Jacob, Rachel & Leah let's learn about the wonders of mulotiple wives playset...?
And the sex store...will there be a section of products for when you feel appropriately guilty later?



Blogger ninjanun said ... (8/20/2007 01:25:00 PM) : 

Why do you think it's appropriate to feel guilty about enjoying married sex, geosomin (which is what the sex shop is promoting)?

Why, I'm putting together a wish list for my husband's and my wedding anniversary right now! :P


Blogger jasdye said ... (8/20/2007 09:30:00 PM) : 


huh? i'm supposed to feel guilty about having sex with my wife?

you're thinking of the christian masturbation store. that's on the other side of town.

and... i'm out. goodnighteverybody!


Blogger ding said ... (8/21/2007 04:52:00 PM) : 

heyyy, wasn't leah the UGLY one?? the one he was forced to choose because her dad didn't want to get rid of the her prettier sister? so how come they make her dark-skinned?

(only a little kidding, here...)

this was classic. totally totally classic.


Blogger Geosomin said ... (8/22/2007 12:40:00 PM) : 

ninjanun and jasdye

erm...the comment about sex? It was a joke.
It's an issue I have with organised religion - the whole every sperm is sacred thing.
Me? I personally love it and indulge in as much of it as possible, absolutely guit free :)


Blogger Geosomin said ... (8/22/2007 12:40:00 PM) : 

guilt free too..:)


Blogger ninjanun said ... (8/22/2007 07:11:00 PM) : 

Okay, then. ;)

I like your avatar, btw. Kitty DJ!


Anonymous Markus said ... (6/17/2008 09:32:00 AM) : 

Good JoB! :)


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