Toy Story

Later this month, my arch-enemy Wal-mart will begin selling what the BBC refers to as faith-based toys. These scripture quoting action figures dolls hardly mark the first time Christians have dabbled in the action figure business, but this is the first I’ve been aware of such toys breaking into the mainstream. Or did Mel Gibson put out a line of Passion of the Christ action figures? David Socha, founder of One2believe, the company which makes the dolls, is confident the demand is there for "God-honouring" toys which reflect Christian teachings and morality. "We get a lot of people, even people who are not of faith, don't go to church, saying 'I've got a four and a six-year-old and I don't know what to get them any more'," he said. "If you go in a toy aisle in any major retailer, you will see toys and dolls that promote and glorify evil, destruction, lying, cheating. "In the girls' aisle where the dolls would be, you see dolls that are promoting promiscuity to very young girls. Dolls will have very revealing clothes on, G-string underwear." What his company offers instead is "something faith-based that is not only fun to play with but also is solidifying a person's spiritual wherewithal and their spiritual journey", he said. This is excellent news, of course. Now children corrupted by Spider-man and Bratz will have access to wholesome action figures like Noah (alcoholic), Moses (murderer), Sampson (terrorist and, as Slacktivist recently called him, inventor of the suicide bomb) and David (whose poems about throwing babies against rocks and washing his feet in the blood of slaughtered enemies may make him the world’s first gangster rapper). The action figures are a steal at $19.99 and $24.99, perfect for any Christian family on a budget. For my money, though, the collection seems sadly incomplete without nudist prophet Isaiah. If you’re a girl, you might prefer one of the Proverbs 31 dolls. They’re $39.99 and will help “encourage young girls to pursue biblical womanhood.” As an added bonus, one of these Jewish dolls from the Middle East even has brown skin. Sadly, there’s not a tent spike-wielding Yael or a sword-carrying Judith. I’m not sure how girls are going to properly learn biblical womanhood if they can’t dramatize killing men. On another note, if you prefer a different sort of toys altogether (the segue possibilities here are so deliciously wonderful that you should feel free to invent your own), there’s a Christian couple in the UK that has set up their own online sex shoppe. The store, Wholly Love, is designed for married Christian couples who believe that sexy time is a gift from God. This is surely the only place on earth where you can purchase both Philip Yancey’s Disappointed with God and an amertrine glass dildo.