Things My Wife And I Learned In Niagara Falls And Toronto

1) Tandem bicycles are not as easy to operate as they first appear. 2) Should you encounter an enraptured male in a swimming pool making sexualized grunting noises and muttering the word “breasts” to himself, you should exit as soon as possible. 3) Sneaking terrorists from Canada into the United States appears to be as easy as said terrorist riding in the trunk of an automobile. (This isn't to say that I've been smuggling people into the States, but rather that it looks like a super easy thing to do.) 4) Canadian currency, stamps, and flags are all infinitely cooler than U.S. currency, stamps, and flags. 5) Canadians don’t say “eh” as much as we’ve been led to believe. 6) Canadian beer? Good stuff. 7) Gasoline in Buffalo, New York is more than 20 cents more expensive than gasoline in suburban Chicago. No one seems to know why. 8) Skinny dipping? It’s even better in a Great Lake. 9) Rodeway Inn By the Falls in Niagara Falls? Shittiest hotel ever. 10) Sheraton Centre in Toronto? Best hotel ever, especially when discounted by two-thirds the going rate. 11) Priceline really chaps my ass. 12) Holy Fuck is a great name for a rock band. 13) I don't know who this Tim Horton fellow is, but he makes a damn tasty café mocha. 14) Screaming hordes of Spider-Man fans apparently don't know that actor James Franco and Harry Osborne are not the same person. But, my, James is a cutie in person.